getting quiet, being brave.

I have a new love—the Brave Girls’ Club. It’s such an encouraging, uplifting thing… a mix of art and truth and kindness. I fell in love instantly.

Well, as I was digging through the archives of the Brave Girls’ blog, I found a post on taking a break from Facebook.

And I almost didn’t want to read it—because I knew I was going to do it… because I knew I needed to Let. It. Go.

In the past—way back in the days before Facebook and WordPress, when all I had was my little LiveJournal community—I would come around to the same conclusion every now and again.

  • I was spending my spare time thinking about what sorts of witty/cute/funny/clever things I could say… because, you know, I want to be cool. I want to be loved. I want those little likes!
  • I want to have fun with my friends. And if my friends are busy talking on Facebook then—gasp! I might miss out! It’s like one big chat… that never ends.
  • I was distracting myself from everything else around me by making sure I checked in with everyone that was in my circle of friends (which ate into my free time like nothing else!). Refreshing, refreshing, refreshing. “It’s been 5 minutes! Let’s go back for more!”
  • My circle of online friends in 2001 was only about 20. I probably still only keep up with about 20 people now. But the guilt that comes from knowing you are ignoring everyone else? Ugh! Icky!
  • Hanging out online is something that’s so hard to get up and walk away from once you start. I didn’t make time to be creative. I didn’t make time to go outside. And I most certainly was avoiding housework! On bad days I just get up and sit here from sun up to sun down.

When I am 100% in my home, it’s a beautiful thing. I tidy up. I paint something. I scrap a memory. I think. I breathe. I think about feeding myself fancy whole foods. I actually cook! I usually light candles or make tea… and do all these little things to beautify my environment.

When I live at my desk it’s a hectic, grouchy thing. I am surrounded by clutter (notebooks, notepaper, a jar of almonds, an old coffee cup, my iPod…). I only daydream about painting as I look at things on Pinterest. I feel guilty about not scrapping as I look at other people recording their memories. I don’t have time to think because I need to remember to do the next thing before I forget about it—again. I sit awkwardly in my chair and I don’t breathe. I actually hold my breath a lot! I don’t feed myself anything but more coffee (yikes!). We eat at Wendy’s because I realize I should have started cooking something 30 minutes ago… and here comes my husband in the door! I don’t light candles. And I mentally beat myself up multiple times a day for not doing anything to fix the disaster areas in my house.

So… why do I sit here all day and do this to myself?!

Because I didn’t realize that it was happening and this is why I was so frustrated with life in general.

Everyone is on Facebook now. And Facebook is everywhere, too. I didn’t realize until stopped to think about it… this thing I used to take regular breaks from was taking over my life. I spent three years taking care of an online shop and being there 100% for everyone until it drove me crazy and I had to run away from it. But because I was on call and plugged in so much for those three years, I’m still living with this as the norm… I didn’t cut this part out. Time to amputate, heal and then come back a healthier person.

So, I’m taking my easily distracted squirrel brain and I’m going on a 30 day mental vacation.

I am going to think. I am going to be creative. I am going to be quiet. And I think I might be writing more! (No promises—I don’t want to lock myself in to the new addiction.) But blogging for me is always such a good way of gathering my thoughts, thinking as I type… putting lessons I’ve learned into words. I just haven’t made anytime to invest in my blog because I’ve. been. too. busy. on. Facebook. Good grief!

Here’s to a beautiful new beginning! I’m actually excited.

2 Responses to “getting quiet, being brave.”

  1. Lita Says:

    YES!! Brave Girls is such an amazing force. They’ve really changed my life of late, so I’m really happy for you that you’ve discovered them too.

    Enjoy your peace, brave girl <3

  2. Heather T. Says:

    *smiles* It’s hard, being a stay-at-home mom, and not getting any adult interaction, or any positive reinforcement beyond what you do online. I’m in the same position. Of course there’s hubby, but you can’t help but feel they’re a bit biased anyway… So I understand the pull of a virtual community in terms of having some sort of outlet from the goo-goo-ga-ga mind mush that taking care of children invariably creates (to a greater or lesser degree). I hope the break enables you to find that wellspring within that will provide feedback that you can believe in, and grow with!